4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
