Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
