He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
