how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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