Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I cut my penus on the lid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
porn star boner night. come get it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
