I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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