I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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