"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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