i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
