So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
