i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
