don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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