It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
