Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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