Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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