Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
