There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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