Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
