I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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