I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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