So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Pants are for mortals
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
