So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
