We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
