and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
