I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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