I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
