I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
