If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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