There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
