they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
