So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
