Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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