If that was your dad, he is hot
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
