The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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