I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
