Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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