You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
