a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
