His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
