sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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