All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
