He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
