P.S. I can't hear my feet
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
