You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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