Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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