Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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