when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
