Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
