I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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