I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I still have a little drunk in my system
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
